The Implications of a late Autism Diagnosis

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I've been listening to Queen a lot lately. Obsessing over the band, watching interviews and live performances countless times, feeling intimate euphoria materialise upon my lips every time I see Freddie Mercury smile, or Roger drum and sing at the same time, or Brian stand like a stump while rocking out one of the most iconic guitar riffs in rock history, or even when when John goes boing boing boing on the stage-
And while my eyes were glued to the screen, I thought,
Huh. So that's hyper-fixating.
Something I've been actively experiencing my entire cognizant existence, now has a term for it? I pondered over this for a few days. It made me feel sick.

Hi, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder a mere couple months ago. I meet the diagnostic criteria for Asperger's (which means I don't need that much support), and I was confused. Do people like me really need this diagnosis?
Autism is a disability. Symptoms manifest differently in every individual, and in my case, I have deficits in vestibular functions (spatial awareness, coordination and balance), I experience emotional dysregulation, and I cannot tolerate loud sounds. But I could still pass for someone who isn't disabled if you didn't live with me. I'm not profoundly disabled like many level 3 autistic people are, I'm just easily upset and massively uncomfortable. I didn't need to learn I was autistic to know that about myself. I know myself, and I've always known that I've been fundamentally disturbed while also disturbing. I really feel like I didn't need a label for it. I was fine, or at least, as fine as I could be.
As one might expect, I went on a frenzy of searching things up and realising that there are terms for every move I make, or every thought I have. That's heartbreaking.
Unlike physical disabilities, neurodiverging disabilities such as Autism or ADHD, cannot and should not be removed from the person. They are better described as conditions rather than "disorders". This collection of symptoms that every neurodivergent person has, constitutes their entire personhood, their "humanness". Everybody has interests, and when we do, it's a "special interest". Interests are core parts of our personality, and ours have been sold to pathology. All kinds of people fidget with their limbs, and wouldn't you know, there's a different term for us (it's called stimming, at least make it sound good!). Oh, and it's not like we're the only ones who've ever shut our ears ever! Materially, intrinsically, and in every way in between, my very being has been pathologized, considered abnormal, and my soul reduced to the status of a lab rat.
My point is, ever since I was diagnosed, I was always conscious of my condition. It just wouldn't leave me alone. When I'm nervous in school and shaking my legs, I'm thinking of how I'm autistic. Everything I do, every thought I have, I'm suddenly aware of the fact that I do it as a result of my condition. This sudden unwelcome awakening feels like an onslaught, its destructive blow still ripples in my thoughts.
Or maybe.. I'm making a big deal out of this. I mean, there are material benefits I got out of this diagnosis. A family member doesn't blame me for my dysfunctional coordination anymore. I'm allowed to accomodate myself, like use ear defenders when it gets too loud. I'm sure that, psychiatry, and the effects of a diagnosis, must have also helped several others, in much more profound and meaningful ways. I'm just here to.. I know not many are reading this, but I'm honestly just bored yo
Special thanks
Alexander Avila for his video on the ethics of self-diagnosis, for inspiration,

Millie, you are the longest friendship I've had since elementary school, thank you for sticking with me

And

My mother

For everything




Thank you for reading. Please don't leave a comment. Or I'll panic.
Tags:
"Chess-kuh." You're welcome

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